Playing God

Fresh back from holiday I was asked this morning before the service if I was willing to play a part in a small drama being used by our visiting speaker.

"Yes" I replied, "as long as I don't have to play the devil"

You see a few months ago on our Freedom in Christ course I was cast in a similar talk illustration, as sin.

Talk about playing the "bad guy", I was sin itself!

So today I waited anxiously to find out which "character" I was going to have to play. I missed out on "Father God", and got a bit nervous as "man" was introduced but that part went to someone else and I ended up being Jesus!

Bonus!

What I did not realise, and nor did the person who got volunteers beforehand was that in the sermon illustration the three of us were stood on chairs and man crosses via Jesus to Father God.

Great illustration, clear, straightforward, the "bridge diagram" using real people. What could go wrong?

They had picked, shall we say, three "bigger" lads, quite by accident, and speaking of accidents how we avoided a major one I will never know, as we shuffled and changed places on these chairs!

A few years back I wrote the working copy of our working at height risk assessment, so I may have been Jesus but I still broke out into a cold sweat!

Defining your Church

It can sometimes be difficult to define your Church.

People use all sorts of long words and definitions to make sure you know exactly what they are and probably make it abundantly clear what they are not.

We had a brilliant Fun Day yesterday.

There were over 200 guests, with 79 little faces painted and a brilliant local community event.

But one little moment really struck me.

A lady was taking her son to help themselves to the free refreshments.

"You come around here" she told the nervous child "and help yourself to a drink".

and then the line that really won it for me

"It is just like the baptist Church, but without the biscuits"

Next time someone asks me what kind of Church I go to, I am very tempted to reply "We're a bit like the Baptist Church, but without the biscuits"

Embarrassing Stories from an Elder, Number 1

Let's remember, don't take yourself too seriously, and we prophecy in part.

The pinnacle of my series, which still makes me almost uncontrollable with laughter when I retell the story came at an evening meeting a few years back.

A colleague of mine started to prophecy over a very senior female member of our staff team.

With a raised voice, he proclaimed loudly.

"I believe God wants you to be, A HOOKER FOR HIM!"

Stunned silence.

With his eyes closed, oblivious to the giggles which had overcome the entire congregation, He continued...

"because in the game of Rugby, the hooker is the one in the centre of the scrum, who holds people together, and who..."

for me the rest of the prophecy is lost in the mists of time.

I just remember the sheer hilarity of the situation.

An absolute pearler, but those seconds,

the silence,

the tension in the air,

who would break first?

You saw people's faces twitch, the first giggle, and then roars of laughter.

An unbelievably funny choice of wording, and my all time favourite.

My prayer for the day?

"Lord, help me, keep me, and protect me from taking number one slot in this series.

Amen."

Embarrassing Stories from an Elder, Number 2

This is a recent story, and belongs in the epic hall of fame of a close colleague of mine.

During the worship, they started to pray following the song "There is a day"

The prayer was heart felt and gathered pace as he went on. Thank you for our promise in you. Thank you for the hope we have in you. Thank you that all hurt and pain will cease, and we will see You in all your glory.

Then the gaffe...

"And we will be clothed in immorality"

An awkward silence. On he continued.

"No, that is not the word because that is wrong. We will be clothed in immortality"

You could not script it. Absolutely, jaw achingly hilarious!

Embarrassing Stories from an Elder, Number 3

What is your worst mistake you have made in ministry?

No, not bad mistake, I mean really funny mistake.

Mine still makes me break out into a cold sweat. It is not the worst I have seen though, get ready for a Countdown. This is number 3, numbers one and two will make your toes curl!

Anyhow: I was doing notices, and a scrap of paper is thrust into my hand.

It reads: "Katie & Jon Pervy - new baby..." with details of birth weight etc.

I knew this new couple, and was eager to make sure they felt welcome. They had recently had a child, and we always try to welcome babies.

But I was not sure about the name. Pervy? That can't really be right can it?

So I passed the note to my colleague Terry, "what does this say?"

"Katie and John Pervy" came the reply. "P-E-R-V-Y, yep, Pervy is their name."

So with great warmth and kindness I welcomed Mr and Mrs Pervy back after the birth of their beautiful daughter, and everyone gave them a nice round of applause and they felt genuinely welcomed to the Church.

Over coffee I made my way to the family who had a small queue of people forming excitedly wanting to see the new child.

"Hi, great to see you, what a lovely baby"

"Thanks for welcoming us so warmly" he said shaking my hand firmly.

"No worries I said, we are delighted you're here and like to welcome all new additions that way"

"Great he said. Just one thing though"

A pause.

"My name is Perry"

Manflu

I don't like having manflu.

It is such a debilitating illness.

I don't like the way people think you are not really ill.

Be honest, you don't think I am really ill either.

If you are a bloke you are sweating because you remember how bad your last bout was.

If you are a girl you think I have a light cold and should stop moaning.

I think there should be more research into this energy sapping condition.

Until that point, just another half an hour before my next installment of paracetemol.

Being Mystery Worshipped...

We knew we had been visited just before Christmas.

And now our "review" has gone live.

Statements like "They have a lively sense of church community with outreach at their heart. Their many ministries, both domestic and international, are far too numerous to mention here. One definitely senses that they are a very busy church." are definitely not as bad as some churches get.

While Terry got the thumbs up for his welcoming statements "Good morning and welcome to Barnabas Community Church, especially if you are visiting here today. Elder Hotchkiss went on to explain about the church and how the service would be, including songs and the offering. Very good really."

And overall:

"How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)?
7 – This is a lively church with a passion for worship, but this may be a difficult place for anyone who doesn't want a full-on experience straightaway but needs to find a way in slowly.

Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian?
Yes, it did. Overall we enjoyed being part of this time and seeing that sense of desire in people."

I could get all defensive about some of the points made but will try not to. Almost all can be answered fairly quickly, not least the majority of the car park being reserved for disability badge holders, but there you go.

I will take 7/10 and the main complaint being they thought the welcome was OTT. There are worse things to be accused of.

The Mystery Worshipper

Well, we have officially been "Mystery worshipped" by a "Ship of Fools" contributor. This happened a few weeks ago in December.

We can look forward to our review appearing in the new year.

Reading through other reviews it is quite difficult to ascertain whether we are going to get a complete sledging or they may have quite liked it. Reading some of the discussions on Ship of Fools this year it is obvious that the Newfrontiers name is mud, which does not bode well. That said, some contemporary Churches have good reviews, so I guess it depends who does the review and how it went on the day.

Whatever the frailties of the concept, and for me part of it does not sit right, at least we will have outside eyes and ears giving us an opinion. I do hope nothing really unfair is written, but I guess that is the point of having a review. Whether it feels unfair or not we need to work out why it made them feel like that and what we can learn from it, even if all we can learn is to take no notice of Ship of Fools reviews!

That said, if it is a great review then we will probably want a copy for our Church magazine, so who knows?

An ecumencial put down!

There is a Good Friday march of witness every year in Shrewsbury, with every conceivable type of trinitarian Church represented.

This is a direct quote from the programme given to all marchers:

Many thanks to all who took part, whether giving the talk, reading, singing or praying. I have tried to balance the genders, denominations and age groups. Also the hymns, after much heart searching, include both old and new, both traditional and evangelical. Any complaints may be addressed to the Lord, therefore, since it has all been laid at His feet!

What a brilliant deflection!

The programme itself was full of fabulous statements.

Thank you to Richard for bringing the cross, and Fred for carrying it. Also to Steve for banging the drum and the Salvation Army for providing it.

Absolute genius.

Can you say this?

I came to work recently following a highway maintenance lorry with a road sign on the back which said in big letters

"SLOW men working in road"

I thought it was a bit harsh.

I realise that they may not be the sharpest tools in the box.

Nor may they be the quickest workers.

But either way it seemed a bit harsh to advertise the fact in an 8 foot high sign

The last "pre driscoll" outpost?

On holiday recently we went to Great Malvern.

It is a beautiful town in Worcestershire.

I went to the Christian bookshop, hoping to get my hands on one of the newish Driscoll books I have been meaning to read for ages.

"Have you got any Mark Driscoll books?" I asked.

"Sorry" the lady replied, "I have never heard of Him"

End of conversation.

I bought another couple of books (on Church growth and cell groups) and felt priviledged to have found one of the few pre-driscoll outposts left!

Men's top ten fears about joining a small group?

I don't agree with all of it, but fair play, this video really did make me laugh, on so many levels.


Men's Top 10 Fears About Joining a Small Group from Ray Dangelo on Vimeo.

The thing is, I would also say each point applies to women as well as men.

I don't think cell groups need to look or feel like that, but I reckon most of us have an experience similar to one of the ten, if not more. I love the one about the splinter, just brilliant.

I do believe in the cell concept, but not if it looks or sounds like this!