Choosing a life partner...

I personally don't believe in a "one size fits all approach" to this issue, and some of the resources I have seen have been far to prescriptive.

However I was delighted to hear my marriage has a statistically better chance of making it.

Esther is 5 years younger than me and significantly smarter, which ticks all the boxes of that study!

The Marriage Course: a review

Esther and I have recently attended the Marriage Course. I started blogging it weekly here, here, here and here.

Well it has now finished and so this is my overall review:

ON THE PLUS SIDE

• The content is excellent. It is sound, Christian values packaged in a neat accessible way.
• It is also suitable for those outside the Church, but in an overtly and gentle Christian way!
• The themes covered, and the people sharing their own story in the videos are really, really open and frank about their issues. That gives others permission to talk about their issues.
• The method of having a meal together and making it like a "date" night is really good for those who through being busy, laziness or other pressures have not done that for a while.Scoring each other regarding the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship really does put a spotlight on you, on your role, on your repsonsibilities. If people use that exercise honestly, then some really deep stuff can be brought to light.
• Looking at how the two different personalities within a marriage interact is a really useful exercise.
• The DVD element means you don't need a speaker every week, which changes the requirements of running a course considerably.
  

THINGS TO CONSIDER

• It is very HTB. Anyone who has seen an Alpha video will know what that means. They are being themselves, and are genuine people. But some people who are not like them, may struggle to relate to them. The venue for the talks that have been recorded, the dress of the people in the audience and indeed the speakers are thoroughly english, middle class and white. As long as people have permission to not be like them then that is fine. It depends on who with/where you plan to run it.
  
• The gaps for discussion (half an hour is the main one) are too short for some and too long for others! That is always going to be a difficult balance but beause they are within the evening it is difficult for those who have finished early.
  
• The opportunity to use the resources is almost entirely linked to the couple's willingness to do so. The "we are ok" heads in the sand couple are likely to hate it and not feel they have benefited in any way.
• It is probably more suited to those married within that last few years, but that just depends on the couple and where they have got to in their relationship.
• Overall it is a bit "marmite". Some people seemed to love it and it really, really blessed their marriage. Others did not seem to get it at all, and I am not quite sure why.
  

I am really pleased to have done the Marriage Course and am glad so many couples in our Church have done it over the years. I can see why it has been so popular and while not perfect, it certainly is a good place to start.

The Marriage Course: Part Four

Three weeks ago Esther and I embarked on the seven week Marriage Course based on DVDs and materials from the Holy Trinity Brompton stable which we are running at our Church in Shrewsbury.

Week 4: "The power of forgiveness" was a look at resolving past hurts and working through them.

To be honest, for us, it was not particularly scratching where we are itching. I think that is partly because we have only been married two and a half years (although we have been an "item" for seven). the other thing is that when asked to list unresolved things between us there simply was not much on the list. Not a lot in terms of numbers, or in terms of importance.

What that did was encourage us greatly, and make us pray we keep it that way.

Other couples there seemed to be having really good discussions and were getting to grips with some deep stuff. I can see a huge value in the exercise, every so often, to keep close account.

The Marriage Course: Part Three

Two weeks ago Esther and I embarked on the seven week Marriage Course based on DVDs and materials from the Holy Trinity Brompton stable which we are running at our Church in Shrewsbury.

The third week "Resolving Conflict" was a very interesting look at ways of dealing with disagreement, and working through solutions.

We deduced that I was a "Hedgehog" and she was a "Rhino" when it came to conflict, well actually, I rated her as a "Rhinehog" as it depends on the situation. If anything she has a tendency to go in a bit too strong whereas my natural tendency would be withdraw, sometimes helpfully and sometimes frustratingly.

There were scales of different characteristics and we had to mark each other on where we were on the scales. It was fascinating. We get on like a house on fire. I love spending time with her. She loves spending time with me. We often end up close to tears laughing. We have loads in common, apart from her not liking football. Well, at least so I thought until we did this exercise. Don't get me wrong, we do click brilliantly, and have so much in common, but this exercise showed an interesting slant on things.

On the whole,

I dress casually, she dresses smartly
She likes to thrash out disagreements I like to keep the peace
I like holidays where we seek adventure, she likes to seek rest
I like to save money, she likes to spend money
She likes to spend time alone, I like to spend time with others
She likes to make plans and stick to them, I like to be spontaneous and go with the flow
She likes to have time in hand, I tend to cut it fine
I like to go out, she likes to be at home
I like to go to bed late, she likes to go to bed early
She is not so interested in "sport" (although is into fitness and goes to the gym 2-3 times a week) whereas I love sport, especially football, and do the gym twice a week alongside five a side football
She will talk at length on the phone: I make arrangements and I am done
I am relaxed with tidiness and generally live in mess, she likes to keep everything ordered and in control
I would keep the TV on, she would throw it out.

Then the wonderful words on Nicky Lee: "we often find people get married to someone almost completely the opposite to them". Phew! It showed so clearly how we click. I need her to help me make it happen and keep me from chaos, and I bring unpredictable sparks of humour and energy into her world. We both lose much without the other.

I want to appreciate all she brings to the relationship, and try to make what I bring less annoying for her. This course is great, as it allows time for self analysis that every day life does not afford us.

The Marriage Course, Part 2

Last week Esther and I embarked on the seven week Marriage Course based on DVDs and materials from the Holy Trinity Brompton stable which we are running at our Church in Shrewsbury.

Week two: The art of communication.

First things first and the food was good, a homemade lasagne followed by plum pudding: yum! The DVD presentation was useful and interesting. Resources that come out of HTB come from a slightly different geographic and in many ways demographic environment to us. So suggestions like "hold a handkerchief when it is your turn to talk" sound a little odd to this shropshire lad, but the point "shut up while she's talking" is well made!

That is not meant as a criticism, because what I love about the HTB guys is that they are being true to themselves and doing things their way for the people they are trying to reach. It just needs a bit of filtering.

It certainly helped us lift the lid on ways to communicate and things we do or don't do that can be improved. For me that is the great strength of the course, that it gives permission to discuss things and make a plan of action.

It made me really consider the difference between hearing stuff and listening, and the value of undivided attention rather than listening as we do something else. I can hear stuff but not listen, and that it what makes communication an art. Actually repeating what you think the other person is saying was an interesting exercise, and then asking them what is the most important aspect, not pre-judging what the real issue is.

All in all a good evening. I am gaining confidence in the resources as it makes the whole concept very accessible to a wide range of people.

The Marriage Course in Shrewsbury : Part One

Last night Esther and I embarked on the seven week Marriage Course based on DVDs and materials from the Holy Trinity Brompton stable which we are running at our Church in Shrewsbury.

The course has been recommended to me by several friends who have done it, and also my parents.

So week one, building foundations. The short version? Excellent. It was a lovely evening. There are 12 couples signed up and only 2 missed it due to the snow. We sat by a couple we had not met before from North Shrewsbury Community Church called Lisa and Stuart. They seemed really nice, although they did speak very highly of Phil which always makes me a bit suspicious!

The food was good, the atmosphere friendly, and the book has got some excellent material in it. There were some pretty deep questions about how you felt your relationship was and what you felt your partner valued. Esther and I were pretty close in our scoring of each other and there were no major surprises but lots of important ground to cover. The DVD presentation was very similar to the Alpha DVDs and was clear and warm, without straying into being either dull or exciting.

We were given a certain amount of time to discuss the topics covered but when we got home we had another full hour covering all the bits we had not had time for! There is also homework to do! All in all, a very positive start. Sometimes it is good to have permission to lift the lid on a subject and a course like this is a really safe forum to start talking.

I love my wife, and I want to continue to grow in knowing how to actually make that commitment a reality. I have high hopes for the next 6 weeks, if the first session is anything to go by.

5 sermons that changed my life NUMBER ONE

Phil Whittall, @ Church of Christ the King, Brighton, 2006. "Living simply"

Now this current winner of my list may seem a little bit odd. Most people of a certain persuasion would expect a gospel presentation which I responded to and that changed my life. And that did happen, several times in fact, as I grew up in a Christian family and in a Church environment, there have been some great times of coming closer to God and responding to him, but I cannot condense them into one "time", one "moment" or one "sermon".

This talk, on the other hand, is a single moment in time, from which nothing has been the same.

Context: Two mates going to the world cup. Phil and I go on a road trip to Germany to watch some football. This was not where I was expecting to encounter God. This was not some conference of biblical heavyweights with me preparing in gleeful anticipation for months in advance, this was an afterthought.

On the way back Phil had been invited to go and do a presentation at CCK about "living simply". Now I have known Phil for close to 20 years, and I have always thought he is a bit "simple", so it came as no surprise he was speaking on the subject (this is jest). He has always been a bit of a "leftie", never really had great control over his hair or his facial hair, and he spent time in Africa, worked for Tearfund, rides a motorbike, and moved onto a council estate in Shrewsbury to plant a Church in the least churched area of the town (all of this is true).

I was aware of a few of his projects, like his blog, and Breathe, but they all sat squarely in the "my hairy leftie friend" category so I had never shown them due diligence, beyond a polite smile and passing interest. "Good on you mate" sort of stuff, but no personal reflection.

I was not that way off the mark in my own thinking on this. I too have lived in Africa, visited works amongst the poor in India, have a family steeped in the fair trade movement through my Mum's work locally and so I was not coming into it blind. This is no "capitalist semi fascist loses arm wrestle to eco-warrior and goes to live in a Teepee" scenario.

But this is a UK evangelical charismatic christian coming to a real sharp awakening that these things really do matter. "Really do matter" as in not just signing the petition at Greenbelt and hoping for the best but seeking to reflect them in everything. This is no neatly wrapped social gospel. This is not taking on the "green" issue as a potential convert grabber. This is a child of God actually seeing deep down that not only is this our problem, as children of God it is also our responsibility, and I was not in step with scripture.

So up steps my friend, and starts to ask questions. You, me, Christians...

- what about the consumer dream?
- what about the environment?
- what about consumption?
- what about the way we label success?
- what about generosity?
- what about the desire for ownership?
- what about sharing?
- what about the goal of our lives being the accumulation of wealth?
- what about how we approach debt?
- what about trade justice?
- what are the desires of our hearts?
- what about community?
- what about our security?
- what about the future?

How does this fit with:
a) our view of God b) our rights as people c) our responsibilities as "followers" of God

I was ruined.

Suddenly I realised the ground upon which I was building was very very shaky indeed. Slightly hip lifestyle choices needed to become deep rooted convictions. The scriptural basis was secure, and my own conscience played out its tune - this is part of my freedom, and part of my calling.

I can genuinely say that I have pondered this process every day of my life since. I have not set up a shrine to Phil in my room or anything - and have not spoken much to him about it since. But this is an adventure Esther and I have been on since then. We are way off the finished article, but have been pondering ways of working through this and making radical choices.

Most of the outward things we have done sound really little and petty when listed. What I need to express is the burden for this has shaped everything, the big and the small decisions, the way we have shaped and built the practicalities of our married life together, and the economic pattern for our lives is through a window that opened up to scripture through that talk.

Every consumer decision bows to a greater clarity, and a more ruthless determination to live for Him not me. Our resources have become more and more His resources.

It is not really a question of whether we can justify a new car or not (which we can't) or if we choose Cafe Direct above Nescafe (which we do).

The actual question asked was "Who do you say I am?", and I was horrified to find I could not say "Lord" in several of my attitudes to money, possessions or the environment. That cut me deep.

And so began a quest to live more simply, give more generously, share more freely, accommodate more selflessly, appreciate more readily, and be content.

There is much still to do, and much still to lay down, but my life changed that day, as the sword of the spirit, yielded by my friend Phil, hacked off a huge cancer that was weighing down my soul, choking my faith, and hampering my witness.

What is biblical headship?

This is an interesting question posed on a few forums I read regarding headship in marriage.

Here are six pointers for blokes:

1. Be selfless and always loving to her: Eph 5:25
2. Love her as you love yourself: Eph 5:33
3. Do not be harsh to her: Col 3:19
4. Be considerate, treat her with respect : 1 Pe 3:7
5. Grant her honour as she is a fellow heir: 1 Pe 3:7
6. Know you will be judged by God for what you do: Col 3:25

That is not a comprehensive list of roles, but rather gives us a flavour of what husbands are to aim for as part of the outworking of their headship. If we are not hitting these targets, then whatever we are doing is not headship in a biblical sense.

I think sometimes the headship discussion becomes all a bit too technical and hierarchical and talks about the actions of the man without due regard to the benefit for the woman. Would your wife volunteer 1-5 as being true for you?

If we look at the example of Jesus, he is inclusive to women beyond what his culture was comfortable with. On top of that Jesus cooked: John 21:9-12 and did "menial" tasks: John 13:3-5 normally reserved for servants.

So does headship mean we always get to decide everything? Well God commanded Abraham to obey Sarah Gen 21:9-12 when Sarah was closer to God's heart than Abraham was, even when Sarah had already called Abraham "Lord" (1 Peter 3:5-6).

Who else gets to be called Lord? Well - Jesus for starters. Did Jesus rule with an iron fist or was he worth following (or even submitting to) because of his intense humility, compassion and godliness? Because of his selfless love that cost him everything?

Maybe humble, compassionate and godly men are the answer, as they are worth "following".

Jesus was not some big softie though - he challenged hypocrisy, he hated sin, he lashed out at mammon, he was jealous for His Father's house, but he was also the fullness of God, gracious, compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.

I don't see headship as something we "are" by rights, by some rudimentary biological difference, but rather a responsibility and calling we can choose to live in the fullness of, by the grace of God.

The flip side is that it is also something we can fail in, horribly, as Adam did. It is a duty we can only uphold on our knees before God, without a hint of pride or self seeking.