And so the journey continues...

Yet again I have received complaints about a lack of blogging.

The truth is I don't want to write when I don't have anything to say.

I could have talked about brilliant Christmas family services, with a great presentation from the kids.

Or great Christmas parties and Christmas dinners our Church has hosted, including for local sheltered housing and the senior citizen's forum. Or even the 110 toddlers who came with associated adults to our toddler group party. Yes, that is right, 110 toddlers.

Or even doing a double preach at our two Carol Services.

But I didn't.

Because I didn't want to.

There was only one thing I wanted to talk about.

But I couldn't.

So I didn't.

But now I can.

Say hello to someone who has taken up quite a bit of my thought life and my prayer life recently.

As regular readers will know, it has not all been plain sailing.

God is good. All the time.

He was good in the dark times.

He is good in the good times.

Because times don't make God, but God is good all the time.

Manflu

I hate "manflu".

Headache, shivers, sore throat, runny nose, uncontrollable sneezing, lethargy.

I felt rough on Sunday but lasted out two Sunday meetings but then knew I needed to slow down.

Monday was a day in bed, showering at 5.15pm when I decided to "get up".

Tuesday saw me attempt two meetings before going home at lunch while Wednesday has seen me knocked out at home, just a few emails winging around.

I feel miserable, and I don't like being miserable. Grumpy is not even in my nature, and yet feeling like this just seems to evoke grumpiness!

It has been a long time since I lost 3 days in a row to being poorly. Still, at least the Cat has had some company!

Jehovah Jireh

I have a moped.

I recently borrowed my parents car while they were on holiday.

Fairplay, when I got back on my bike, it was cold and utterly miserable.

We have been saving up a small fighting fund for the future and so I started looking at Autotrader.

I was looking for cars.

A car for me.

No more arriving at work freezing cold.

No more not being able to transport anything.

I don't travel long distances, but my gosh I get cold.

I decided I needed a car. Esther agreed I needed a car.

OK: let's have a look. Like always suddenly I wanted a car £500 more than I had. It is weird how whatever the budget, you always want something a little bit more. If only, a little bit more.

Something broke. "OK then, let's sort this" I thought. Do I dare say "OK God, if you want me to have a car, give me one"

Not a harsh request, just a genuine laying out of a fleece. "If it is right, make it happen"

Within 3 days: 3 people had offered me a car, a free car. Unbelievable. Amazing. I can only take up one offer, and I jumped early on the offer of a P reg Rover 400. Can you believe that? I changed my facebook status to ask for someone to sell me a small car and in came the offers, incredible.

So here I am. An old car, 105,000 miles, it has not cost me a penny and I have a car. It will do for a few miles around the town and giving a few people lifts. But more than that, God is interested in me and literally gave me a car to help without costing me a penny.

Yet again I stand amazed.

Baptism Services

"I want to be baptised because I believe Jesus Christ is my saviour, and I want to live for him"

"...after many hours studying the bible, and plenty of soul searching, I gave myself to Christ... the cynicism and doubt has now completely gone and I am proud to call myself a Christian"

Two different people. Two different stories (and two others baptised too). What a day!

Hear the full testimony of Jodie here and Adrian here.

Introducing Barnabas

We host an introductory evening 3 times a year for new people.

These numbers may not sound a lot to you, but to us, well, it was amazing.

Over 20 guests were there, and 11 signed up for membership on the night.

Some were from Alpha. Some have grown up in the Church. Others have moved to the area.

Exciting times.

Church Together

Every 8 weeks all our midweek small groups don't meet and we have a larger meeting altogether with extended worship and intercession.

I led part of the meeting praying for a move of the Holy Spirit in our Church.

We started by praying together, calling on God.

Then we prayed for one another, with the people sitting near us, for God to move in our lives.

I looked out from the front and saw people arm in arm.

Some were lined up in rows. Others in more of a huddle. Some looking like they were about to "scrum" down.

It really was a sight to behold.

We are in this with one another, all of us, seeking God, as a Church Together.

Holiday Reading

For the last week you (may) have been reading automatic posts.

We are in Turkey.

On holiday.

Esther's first ever package holiday.

My first ever all inclusive.

My holiday reading says a lot about me.

My bible. The latest issue of Four Four Two. The latest issue of The Economist. And two books on Cell Church.

Looking forward to understanding more about the Lord, more about the Church and more about the world of football, in that order!

The Newfrontiers "Uniform"

Luke helpfully set the ball rolling on this one with his fashion update. But it does not stop with bodywarmers!

A few years back, you could spot them a mile off.

Beige trousers, brown moccasin shoes, nice shirt, sometimes a woolen closely fitted jumper, often sleeveless.

Yes, they were the visiting speaker.

It was almost a uniform.

Things have changed.

With a new breed of Church leaders and Church planters has come a new dress code.

Suddenly you could expect to see "Bench" on the outside rather that "St Michael" on the inside.

But now, things have gone one step further.

The hoodie. The humble hoodie. "Hug a hoodie". The sign of rebellious teenage "yoof" has been hijacked.

At the last prayer and fasting there were hoodies in abundance. Every colour imaginable. Every brand available. And more.

Yes more, because we have entered a new era. The "Church" hoodie. With logo. The town. Something about Jesus and a website. Oh yes. Gone are the days of non descript pastel coloured sweaters: now it is all about the hoodie.

And further still, we hear much about the "Second generation" Newfrontiers Church leaders. Those 25-40 who have been part of a second wave of Church growth and Church planting. They brought us the hoodies. But now, I can even report members of the "First generation" are wearing, wait for it, hoodies!

Where are you Farah? Why do you hide from us Next? Do not mock us George! But no, Superdry! Firetrap! Men in their 50s sporting cool brands and cool hoodies.

Unbelievable.

I used to be able to recognise the visitng speaker. If it carries on like this I am more likely to invite them on the Alpha Course!

The face in the crowd

At our recent Newfrontiers Prayer & Fasting gathering I had a slight inkling what it must be like to be a visitor to a Church on a Sunday.

In the refreshment break I stood there, and I looked out, and I really could not see anyone I knew.

Just lots and lots of faces.

What is more it felt like everyone else knew each other. People were talking, laughing, hugging, browsing books. Small groups of people were scurrying off into a corner to discuss something strategic. All around me, everyone else, and I felt a bit lonely.

What is strange about that feeling is that I must have known at least 50 people there to talk to. In future breaks I met several friends for coffee and a catch up. I went to the conference with a posse from our local region.

But at that one point in that first break I was just a face in the crowd and I would have given anything for someone to just walk up to me and say "hi".

If I feel like that, what do our visitors on a Sunday feel?

I have a policy of trying to speak to one new person every week. What we really need is everyone doing that.

Five people

In the last few days 5 different people have looked me in the eye, face to face, and thanked me for my recent series on Miscarriage.

Communication is an interesting thing.

On the one hand, I genuinely don't know if I could have spoken the way I could write about the subject.

On the flip side they all said that they did not feel they could leave a comment on the blog but wanted to tell me when they saw me.

I think both those things are valid. There are some things you want to share but don't know how to share them. There are other things you want to respond to but not via the method you have received them.

I guess that is why blogging under my own name, with people from my Church, and other local churches, who know me, reading it, makes for an interesting mix.

Not only does it keep me accountable for the things I say about myself and about others, it also means some of my readers have walked the journey with me and then the effect of reading what I write goes that much deeper.

Counting

We know how many people come to our Church services each week.

Because we count them.

It really helps us to get an idea of which kinds of things are supported well and foresee any changes in patterns which require a change.

At our recent Front Edge Sunday there were 355 present.

I find that exciting.

I am not sure why, but 355 seems way more than 349. Why? Because we are seeking God for 400 and so breaking 350 again feels like another step.

Sure, it was a big week, but the point is our building needs to be able to cope with the big weeks.

I am also pleased because our maximum layout before we went to two services was 360 chairs. 355 people on 360 chairs would have completely wiped us out, with far too little spare capacity.

On Sunday we were 172 and 144 adults on 233 chairs (and 39 children in groups). There was a bit more "wiggle room" for people. Lots of those people were guests, and had there been more there was space.

Just over 70,000 people live in the the boroughs of Shrewsbury. If we were by God's grace to reach the stage where we were 350 people every Sunday, that would equate with being 0.5% of our Town's population, although I realise lots of our people do travel in from outlying villages.

I am not interested in numbers as they don't prove anything, I am interested in people. And when those people respond to Jesus we can count them. What excites me about being able to count them is because they have become part of our number. So I am interested in numbers, because those numbers are people.

I don't actually care about statistics but I do care about the growth of the kingdom of God in this town through vibrant missional Churches.

We may have just touched 0.5% on Sunday, but could we have faith for 1%? Is that beyond the realms of what our God could do?

Exciting times...

Front Edge 2010: Sunday service

Adrian Holloway seems to appear in all sorts of places these days and we were delighted he agreed to come and preach at both our meetings.

We had delivered 2000 flyers locally and had been praying hard in advance. Lots of people were invited, including our whole Alpha Course.

The good news is just that, good news, so we want to share it.

Adrian preached excellently. We prayed for the sick. In each meeting people came to the front and said that the pain had gone. Backs. Knees. Hands. Shoulders.

A young woman from our Church who the day before could not even sit at the Front Edge conference and lay on the floor at the back. Her back was twisted and she was in considerable discomfort. By Sunday morning she was stood on the stage, standing up straight, saying the pain had gone!

When the call went out for people to respond and become a Christian or recommmit their life to God perhaps 20 came forward across the two meetings. I don't have exact numbers but I would suggest the many of those were responding for the first time and some coming back to God.

The opportunity is now there to follow up people and help them in their journey of faith. We know more people may come on The Alpha Course this week as part of their response.

A very good morning and an exciting way to conclude Front Edge for us.

I love being part of a movement of Churches that prioritises mission as a key part of what it means to be Church, and releases gifted people to go and help Churches and equip their people.

Front Edge 2010

We hosted the Newfrontiers "Front Edge" evangelism conference on Saturday. It was a great day, with guest speakers Lex Loizides and Adrian Holloway.

Seminar speakers included Steve Hurd from Huddersfield and Paul Brown from Bermondsey.

Suffice to say, it was an excellent day.

Great teaching.

Powerful exhortation.

Mission involves the word and the Spirit.

And then we prayed for 12 different evangelists going on to do Sunday preaching and praying for the sick in Newfrontiers churches across this region, from Birmingham and Stafford, down to Hereford and across into Wales at Wrexham.

I love the commitment of these evangelists to take Ephesians 4 seriously and use their gift to equip and encourage others in their witness.

Then having equipped the 150 delegates at the Saturday conference, they do go and preach the gospel in Churches so people can bring family and friends to hear the good news.

The thing that really struck me was a desire to reach people, a desire to retain good doctrine and a desire to step out in signs and wonders, which act as a pointer to the "gospel" we bring to people.

All in all, a great day!

FACING MISCARRIAGE: PART TEN: Eternity

I wrote this series of posts a couple of months ago. Now things are settled we want to share them, as an encouragement to others who may face similar experiences.

This is the last post in this series.

Pain does not have to lead to doubt.

The very fact we feel the injustice of pain is proof we are searching to a higher moral authority. As a Christian, not only do I know a higher moral authority to appeal to is out there, I know His name.

Not only do I know His name, I know His heart for me.

Search hard enough, and pain leads us to worship.

Because our pain has been defeated.

Forever.

Pain leads us to worship because if we let it, pain leads us to Jesus.

What we believed is true, is proved true.

So let's worship Jesus, who endured pain that we may forever be free from it.

Whatever the future, it is in Him we trust.

These three videos will take about 15 minutes of your time. Make yourself a drink. Sit down. And hear some truth, hear some honesty about the pain, and let your eyes be lifted up to Jesus.

A song full of truth and looking to future redemption


A song written from the graveside of a lost child; the section from about 3 minutes in is simply oustanding.


The song that has been an unswerving source of comfort in the dark days, a precious gift from God to us.

FACING MISCARRIAGE: PART NINE: At the Cross

I wrote this series of posts a couple of months ago. Now things are settled we want to share them, as an encouragement to others who may face similar experiences.


As we start to look forward now I am mindful that walking in grace is a daily decision. Lots of our friends are pregnant and / or have small children. I think we know 8 people who are pregnant right now, and lots of our friends already have one or two.

Everything that makes our loss sad is what makes their blessing good and we are determined to enjoy, honour and celebrate the good with them. But there is a cost, and we need to walk in grace to allow us to do it.

God’s grace is sufficient for all of us. Somehow, by some great mystery the light shines in the darkness and we rejoice with them as they mourn with us. We will make it work.

I said at the start I cannot rely on the hope of having a healthy family in the future to give me meaning now, or make this all ok. I need to find peace now, and I have.

When the darkness envelopes you, you see the light. It draws you. It energises you. It comforts you. It guides you.

The last few weeks have shown me the sheer helplessness of man. It has shown me the corruption and brokenness in creation. Processes that were meant to work do not work, and we don’t have an answer and death is the consequence.

The darkness can be bleak.

And yet into that darkness came a man who lived as a carpenter in Nazareth. A teacher who taught with authority and love and grace. A man who was falsely accused, endured an unfair trial, and was brutally tortured and executed by an occupying power.

The sky went dark.

3 days later.

The light comes. The tomb is empty. Something has broken forth.

A new start.

A new day.

This death, this brokenness, this pain and darkness that we see all around us in creation, and if we are honest, inside ourselves has been overcome by the One who conquers death itself.

In doing so not only does He conquer death as a force that stands against humanity, but He conquers the death that stands within each of us. The brokenness. The godlessness. The mistakes and the shame and the things we wished we never did.

So as He walks to the cross Jesus takes all the darkness of our hearts, all the mistakes and the stuff we have done wrong and they go with Him, to be dealt with once and for all.

But it does not stop there.

The redemption does not finish with my heart.

It extends, and keeps extending forever.

For one day all of creation will be made new, all of it made right.

All the things that now don’t work that should, all the processes that stall at seven weeks and the scans that come back empty, will be made new.

The cross was not just for me and Esther, it was for our baby.

The baby we never knew, He does.

In the darkness, hopelessness and lostness of today comes a future hope, won for us by a Saviour who has walked our road, and felt our pain.

The cries we cry out now, are the cries all creation cries out, and they will come to fruition.

Jesus will come again and then it will be made new and things will be as they were meant to be and these tears will cease because our loving God will make it right.

That is our promise. That is our hope. That is our destiny.

I don’t know what will happen next. I don’t know we will have a family.

I don’t know it will all fall into place and I don’t know if I will ever have a child to take to the game but I do know that a loving God gave everything for me and for the pain I face.

The light shines in the darkness, just like His disciple said it would.

FACING MISCARRIAGE: PART EIGHT: Mizpah

I wrote this series of posts a couple of months ago. Now things are settled we want to share them, as an encouragement to others who may face similar experiences.


It was raining in Keswick. It almost always does. The Cumbrian mountains suck the moisture out of the sea air and deposit it over hordes of holiday makers desperate for a bit of sunshine.

As we walked through the side streets we came across a jewellers. We had pondered the idea of getting a bit of jewellery to remember baby. The first time someone suggested it we were a bit dismissive because we didn’t want to just have to buy something to feel ok. We did not want to succumb to a weird retail therapy.

Several weeks after we lost the baby Esther expressed that she was struggling to move on, not wanting to leave the baby behind. We did not just want to turn the page of our lives and leave this all behind. The baby was no longer with us. Suddenly it dawned on us that something like a piece of jewellery would be "with us", and might free us to move on without fear of forgetting.

The word “Mizpah” is used as a Hebrew blessing. It is found in Genesis 31 verse 49:

“It was also called Mizpah, because he said, "May the LORD keep watch between you and me when we are away from each other.”

Mizpah jewellery is given between people who travel long distances, or emigrate. “The Lord watch over you, while we are apart” is a lovely blessing to give to people as they step on the plane. For Diaspora Jews this became a known blessing.

It is also used when death occurs, and is often seen inscribed on headstones. It sees the separation of death and faces it head on. Separation has happened. I can no longer “watch over” you. However, I know one who does. He is the Lord. “Mizpah” May He watch over you.

We had the ring engraved with the word “Mizpah”.

We will not “watch over” our baby. But we know the One who does, and the One who will. That is not a vague hope or a distant blessing: it is a reality, and it is the desire of our heart.

Now as we go about our daily lives Esther carries a reminder. Not a reminder of death. Not a reminder of sadness. Although it does cause us to reflect on both. No, the ring reminds us that our hope and our strength and the future of our baby is in the hands of our loving Father who watches over baby while we are apart.

FACING MISCARRIAGE: PART SEVEN: Finding God in it

I wrote this series of posts a couple of months ago. Now things are settled we want to share them, as an encouragement to others who may face similar experiences.


(Some of this has already been blogged, apologies for duplication)

It is amazing how many bible stories involve an encounter with God on a mountain. I look at Moses. I think of Elijah. I imagine the scene of the transfiguration. There does seem to be something special about mountains. Maybe it is something to do with the sheer isolation of the mountain. Somewhere private. Somewhere between you and God.

I had been training since January 1st for the Bread Trust “Tough guy” challenge. The aim was all 15 3000ft mountains in Snowdonia in under 24 hours. 32 miles, 12,300 feet, and the most exposed ridge walk outside of the highlands. I had been training hard, doing a 9.5 mile circuit in South Shropshire fairly often. Five a side football on Mondays, circuit training on Tuesdays or Thursdays or both, then off to the hills at the weekend. When time allowed we had a couple of trips to Snowdonia just to acclimatise.


I was also supposed to do the “Three Peak” challenge, the highest peaks in Wales, England and Scotland in 24 hours. That was 3 weeks before the Bread challenge and would give me a good indicator as to how I was doing.

That was the day we had to go to hospital to undergo “medical management” to help sort out the pregnancy. That basically means a few pills and an 8 hour wait. It was a grim day. There is nothing that prepares you for that. You want it to be “over” in terms of the risk of infection of a failed pregnancy and yet you never want it to end.

You want another scan, the one that says all the others were a mistake and a little heart is beating. We didn’t get that. We got small private room off the ward and some very caring nurses.

So I had issues in my head. The opportunity to do a big challenge I had been training for six months to do had been taken away by the worst possible reason. It was dire.

Fast forward 3 weeks and the Bread challenge is upon me, I have unfinished business. Unfinished business with my own heart. Unfinished business with the mountains. And unfinished business with God.

An email came around the week before from Neal saying “It is a good idea to name each peak after a friend or loved one to help count them down and add significance”. Great idea!

I named one peak.

Number 15.

Baby.

Our epic adventure started at 3.15am with the alarm clock, and by 3.55am we were walking in horrendous weather up Crib Goch, an exposed ridge on the ascent of Snowdon which was the first peak of the challenge. The weather was simply horrendous. The peaks slowly started to tick by. In the rain and the mist and the friendship and the teamwork I could only really think of baby. The hours went by, peak 7, peak 8, getting ever closer.

So it was that sometime in the evening in the mist of the Carneddau range a tired and wet Dave approached the summit of Foel Fras, the fifteenth peak with my jubilant team. We were all delighted. High fives and photos finished, a moment of silence. We had done it.


I held the summit cairn in both hands, the wet rock gleaming in the light of my head torch. This was the moment.

“Lord, I give my baby to you. I release them into your care. I want to say that I love you. I will follow you. And I ask you to help me to continue to live for you”

I did not get closure. I did not want closure. I got peace.

Closure is an end. Closure is a door slammed shut. Closure is the finish of a journey.

I did not want that.

This is the start of our journey, not the end, and I wanted peace. I wanted a peace that says yes this is wrong, yes this is not what it was meant to be, yes this hurts like hell and no there is not an answer, except in the loving arms of a loving God who draws all things to himself through His son Jesus.

In rain like that you do not have to hide your tears.

As we trudged on in the endless descent down to the minibus and support waiting to pick us up I knew something had changed.

Something deep inside. The part of me that died when baby died. The bit of me that could not go on my great adventure because we had to go to hospital instead. The bit of me that still walks in my minds eye up Oteley road to watch the game with baby, is at peace.

Peace with God, and maybe even at peace with myself. He is loving. He is strong. Baby is in His care, and so are we.

FACING MISCARRIAGE: PART SIX: Honouring the whole journey

I wrote this series of posts a couple of months ago. Now things are settled we want to share them, as an encouragement to others who may face similar experiences.


Quite a few people suggested doing something special like buying a piece of jewellery or something like that to remember the baby.

Others suggested naming the baby as a way of mourning and remembering. I don’t have any peace with that one, but if it works for you, fill your boots.

One thing people suggest is that you make a memory box. Keeping hold of things that you have to remind you of the baby. When Esther first suggested this my response was less than helpful. It was too much too soon. I didn’t want a box, I wanted our baby.

Our family dog was called Celyn. One of those Heinz 57 variety dogs you get from the rescue centre that seem to live about 20 years. She finally went to meet her maker (not a theological point) and the vet provided us with her ashes back in a little box. That box has sat in the main window of our lounge for nearly 10 years now, in the place she always sat, on guard.

I didn’t want that type of box.

We decided to go shopping for a box to store our precious memories. The pregnancy test. The scans.

As we looked around, I was drawn to the stationery section, and the amazing array of “baby” stationery. Baby picture frames. Baby photo albums. Baby memory boxes.

“I am not sure we are looking for something like that babe” said Esther, with her hand on my arm as I longingly held this blue baby memory box.

It clicked.

“Actually we are” I replied.

“I don’t want a coffin box. I don’t want some strange little urn that sits on the side. I want us to start our baby box. This is the start of our journey. Our family has begun. We don’t have the privilege of being able to raise this child, but I am a father and you are a mother and this is the start of our journey. And when we have our next child I want to put their photos in here too because it is all part of our journey.”

There are not many times I get it right.

I can be an insensitive oaf at the best of times.

But as I stood there with my eyes welling up and Esther nestling her head into my shoulder I knew somehow we had hit it. We had found our way. We were going to preserve the painful memory of our lost child as a valid part of our joyous adventure in parenthood.

This baby can take its rightful place in our journey, and the future joys we hope and pray for can build our memory box into the fullness of the journey God has for us.

If we are to be faithful with what we have we need to honour the whole of the journey, and that starts now, and so our memory box begins.

FACING MISCARRIAGE: PART FIVE: We need you

I wrote this series of posts a couple of months ago. Now things are settled we want to share them, as an encouragement to others who may face similar experiences.


We have some wonderful family and friends and lots of people in our Church who care for us.

Some of the responses we have had have been really overwhelming.

Two of our closest friends came around the night we found out. They were there with us, they cried with us, and they were available to practically help us. I don't think I have known someone cry over my grief. It meant so much. They were there with us, and there for us.

A friend in our midweek had a simple message, “I am really sorry to hear your news. You must know it is not your fault, it is nothing you have done”. Yep, I’ll take that thanks. I needed to hear that. I needed to know we had not done anything wrong.

A family member texted us, “I am sorry to hear your news. I will be praying for you to be able to start a family soon”. I like that. Some faith. Causing us to look to the One who makes things work out for good and asking God for what we really desire on our behalf. Yes, I will take that.

Another one was people who have been through it themselves. “I know”, often followed by tears. That is enough. Just to know someone else feels it, someone else knows. You can see it in their face. Even if it happened 30 years ago, you can see it in their eyes, they know. You can almost touch it, it matters.

An answerphone message from my friend was simple, brutal honesty. “Mate, we were gutted to hear your news. I don’t know what to say. I have rung you but I don’t know what to say and I don’t think I will have anything I can say but I want you to know that I had rung because I care and if you guys want to come over sometime we would love to see you”

Yeah, I will take that.

The situation is dark. I don’t know what is going on and I am not looking to you for an answer.

I just want to know that you care.

I just want to know that you are there.

I just want to know you will stand with us in faith and pray for a successful pregnancy in the future.

I just want to know that it wasn’t our fault.

I want you to cry with us because it is so sad, pray with us because God can act for such good, and call us even when you don’t know what to say.

When couples around us, including some very close friends went through this in the past I just had no idea. I hate to think the sorts of things I said. Now on this side of the fence the way I will approach this in the future will be very, very different.

FACING MISCARRIAGE: PART FOUR: The death of hope

I wrote this series of posts a couple of months ago. Now things are settled we want to share them, as an encouragement to others who may face similar experiences.


In August 2007 Shrewsbury Town Football Club opened a brand new stadium, on the outskirts of the town. 10,000 seats, everything shiny and up to date, it was great. I went to the game with my brother and my Dad. Two generations of Matthias’s walking up Oteley Road from our parental home to watch our team in our town.


I thought then, “One day I will be Dad, and he’ll be granddad”. I had this picture in my mind’s eye, not clearly a boy or a girl, but just a little hand, in mine, a little blue shirt, walking up through the gates of the complex and towards the family stand. That would be my delight, to take my child to the game.

The scan had shown a failed pregnancy and we sat at home, numb.

I thought I might feel more angry but I didn’t, just numb.

Disbelief.

It is not meant to be this way.

We had been trying for a little while and there was great excitement when we found out that we were pregnant. I love the idea of Esther being a mother, and am delighted that together we have the desire to raise children.

But here I am, and what really hurts right now, in some crazy way that I cannot pin down properly, is that I will never take this child to the game. I will never buy them their first shirt. I will never take them to the refreshment stand and buy them a sausage roll (as long as they promise not to tell Mummy).

All those things, the quirky bits that Dad was to me and I want to be to my kid, won’t happen.

So what do I do with that? Where do I go with that hope?

Proverbs 12:13 tells me that:

“ 12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.”

Yep, that is exactly right, heart sick. That feeling in the pit of your stomach. That emptiness. Heart sick. But what is the longing? What is the longing that can be fulfilled?

As yet, it cannot be another baby. If the hope deferred is making my heart sick, then I can’t rely on that same future hope to fix it. That puts me at the mercy of moods and tests and issues. My longing needs to be after something solid. Something robust. Something unchanging. Something pure. Yes, I want a family, yes I want another baby, but my longing to be fulfilled, a tree of life within me, that has to be after God right?

As I reach out to Him and experience his presence. As I open my heart to His words of instruction. As I worship, bare, humble, before my maker. As I long for Him. That is it isn’t it? That is the longing that He will satisfy, the water of life, the bread of life, my hunger, my thirst, my longing fulfilled.

Jesus Culture, Wolverhampton 28.09.10

Last night, we went to the first one night event of the Jesus Culture UK tour.

I have been really looking forward to it.

I made four observations in that previous post which I will now review.

Firstly: I want it to spend an amazing time in God's presence, as I have when listening to the CDs and worshipping quietly, and don't want to be disappointed. I literally have been overcome with emotion while watching the DVD that came with one of the albums, during the Revelation song, the spontaneous worship that comes from it, it was extraordinary.

This was a massive disappointment. Not because the worship was not good. Not because there were not some brilliant spontaneous and prophetic contributions. Not because of anything other than the fact there were no words. No words. No projectors. Nothing.

So basically they stood there waving their arms excitedly singing their guts out while I stood there like a lemon wanting to join in but not knowing all the words, and not knowing the first two songs, at all.

I believe worship is participatory and I want to get involved. I want to sing. I don't just want to stand there and watch someone standing there singing. This was compounded by the repeated assertion to "sing with me" and "all our voices singing" etc, which frankly, we weren't, hardly anyone was, because we did not know what to sing.

During a period of silence between songs it was evident that lots of people around us were simply chatting to each other and watching the gig. That was night and day from what I wanted. I don't see the point of a multi-thousand dollar orchestrated lighting rig when a £400 projector could have helped people enter into the worship. For the songs people knew (Your love never fails) it did warm up a bit and there was more involvement, but that was a major false start for me personally.

Secondly: I don't want the teaching side of it to be poor. Visits to some events/churches in the past have always been let down by the teaching, not least a tendency towards the prosperity gospel.

The talk by Banning Liebscher was excellent. Funny, engaging, prophetic and steered by a wide variety of biblical concepts. His passion for the Bible, the Spirit, the UK and revival was clear. There are things I would not agree with but then there always will be in any talk, but overall it was great. His explanation of holiness not being a list of things you don't do but about giving everything to Jesus was outstanding.

Thirdly: Linked to the teaching, I don't want to be asked for money, or be asked to "sow into a revival", or to "lay up my treasures in heaven" or anything like that. I am there to worship God, not join a band of "covenant partners" who get mailshots and gift aid forms.

Nothing like this came from Jesus Culture, even their merchandise stall seemed accessibly priced. Yet the pastor from a Wolverhampton church who were evidently hosting the evening did go the full hog with an offering, gift aid, sow into the ministry etc. It was not over the top, and my response to stuff like this is more senstivie due to previous experience.

Fourthly: I want any prayer for healing or desire for miracles to be done in a way that empowers and encourages those gathered. I don't want to feel it is over-hyped, and I want the stories / testimonies to sound really robust and clear.

I would say this was 50/50. The way the prayer time was administered was not overhyped and was very clear. People with Asthma went running out of the building and around the block and came back saying they were breathing properly for the first time in X number of years. People with shoulder injuries were moving their arms in ways they said they had not done for months. People with knees that hurt jumped and said the pain had gone. It was very down to earth, lots of emphasis on people praying for each other not the expert on the stage, and overall I would be comfortable with that approach and there appeared to be much evidence of God at work, which is great!

My one niggle was that it started with a major testimony of a man in America who had died and while his body was in the morgue his pastor and others praying annointed the four corners of the hospital with oil and continued to pray and the man came back to life. I am not suggesting this was not true, but I would have liked to know who the guy was, where he lived and which hospital it was. The point of the story seemed to be that the man was now dedicated to sharing the good news, so I would have hoped he would not have minded becoming more well known.

I don't share this to pour cold water on the story, I just think if it is true then we should be bold with the facts and if we can't be bold with the facts for whatever reason then we need to be careful. A resurrection claim would be medically verifiable and I imagine, quite big news locally. Yet I can't find it. Can someone point me to it? I want to believe it is true, but I don't know why it was an unnamed man in an unnamed town in an unnamed hospital.


Overall it was a good evening, and worth going to. I was pleasantly surprised at how laid back it was. I didn't feel pressured. If you wanted to go and throw stones I am sure you would find ample opportunity but I went with an open heart. I can't say I met with God or had a particularly positive experience because I felt disenfranchised from the worship and there wasn't anything really new.

Considering the reputation of Bethel I was surprised to not be either greatly blessed or greatly offended. And I guess that is why I am slightly quizzical this morning, because I am not sure what the big deal is, from both their supporters and their detractors.

Still, their CDs are awesome!

FACING MISCARRIAGE: PART THREE: Why?

I wrote this series of posts a couple of months ago. Now things are settled we want to share them, as an encouragement to others who may face similar experiences.


When difficulty or darkness descends on us we often ask the question “why”?

One comfort for me as a believer in a loving saving God is that I have someone to actually ask the question to! I don’t have to reach out and shout from a hilltop into an untouchable nothingness that drives creation, I can ask Father.

But you know what, I don’t want to. I just don’t want to. That is not because I am angry at God and so am refusing to talk to Him. It is not because I already have an answer. It is not because I have a neat draw in my various “ologies” that team up to make my overall view of God and man which I can open and present myself with a systemised and clear reason “why”.

I don’t. And I am not sure that there is one. I don’t even think that is the right question.

“Why” may perhaps let me know some sort of purpose, or greater good, for which God allowed this to happen.

“Why” may show me the depth of the curse of the fall on creation bringing sin and death and darkness like this. “Why” may, with hindsight give us another child, maybe a family, which we can appreciate, bring up and nurture with such a depth of understanding of just how important it is because of knowing what it is like to lose a baby.

But I am not asking “why”: because I don’t have time. I need an answer sooner. I need to find something now. I can’t wait for hindsight or history or healthy babies to validate our experiences.

I need some light.

So I change the question.

That is right, I have changed the question.

“Why” can wait.

I cannot prove its answer now. I want some rock. I want something to lean on. I want something that this storm of life may rage against but which holds me, secures me, envelopes me. I cannot afford to throw a bit of vague hope that in 20 years time I may look back and think it was OK because God did some good stuff between now and then. I need it now.

My question is not “Why did this happen”, but rather “Who is the answer?” As I reach out in the darkness I am not searching for a worldview, for an insight into the future, for a hope that my circumstances may be ok sometime. I am reaching out for God.

I am reaching out for the one made all things.

For the one who knows what happens in a womb.

For the one who knows unborn children.

For what I cannot know, I need to reach out to the One who does.

Again the Psalmist exorts me… Psalm 62 11-12a
“11 One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong
12 and that you, O Lord, are loving.”

God is loving. That means His heart for me, for Esther, and for our baby, is love.

Love.

The warm arms of love, close, holding. The embrace of a Father.

God is love, He is close, He is holding. There is a grace resting upon us for what we face. Not a clear answer, but a clear Father.

God is strong. A fortress. A rock. Unmoveable. Unshakeable. Not just distant strength like a castle on the horizon, but a source of strength, a place of strength, a fortress. For me, for us, for baby.

This world tells us what is “loving”, but often, if we are honest, what is held up as “loving” is also a bit soft, a bit vulnerable, a bit gooey. A double chocolate muffin experience which turns sickly sweet. Yet God is strong. Loving but strong, firm, secure, robust, to be trusted.

The world tells us what is “strong”, but often what is strong is dangerous, distant, a threat. It can overpower, overwhelm, dominate. But God is loving. The king of kings, the lord of lords, the supreme ruler and authority in the universe, is loving, tender, gentle.

I need someone loving who is secure. I need someone strong who is compassionate.

God is loving, God is strong. My question is not “Why”, but “Who” and a glimmer of light starts to shine.

FACING MISCARRIAGE: PART TWO: The Scan

I wrote this series of posts a couple of months ago. Now things are settled we want to share them, as an encouragement to others who may face similar experiences.


The gravel crunched under our feet as we trudged back to the car. Neither of us knew what to say. The birds in the trees seemed to sing on joyfully regardless, as though unaware of what was unfolding. We got into the car and sat there for a moment, in silence. This was not how it was meant to be. This was not what today was supposed to look like. You know how it feels when you are winded? When some impact causes a loss of breath and you just don’t have any strength for a moment. It felt like my soul was winded. The sudden impact, crushing the air out of my being.

Other friends had been for scans and we had been able to share the joy of the miracle of new life with them.

The scan is the big moment.

You can go public now.

The baby is developing well, the family celebrate, people wish you well, the scan goes up on Facebook and the rest of world “likes” it. It is real, we are having a baby.

Our scan was a painful, dreadful moment.

There was evidence of pregnancy but no longer of life.

Esther sat clutching the small black and white image, gently thumbing the glossy paper as though cherishing a frail loved one. There are not words for a moment like that. The sun was shining, the wind whistled through the branches of the trees, the smell of pollen from the Shropshire fields in the summer sun, and yet a great darkness had fallen.

This being, this bundle of hopes and aspirations and dreams and joyful moments of the last few weeks had gone. What ever it had been it was no longer. Game over.

“Weeping may remain for a night” asserts the psalmist. We are still in the night, and there has been much weeping. If life is a journey, and this is part of our journey, this feels like a very dark and oppressive route. So it is here, in the night, that we want to reach out and find God, to touch the heart of the loving Father, to know Him and be known by Him, to see the light.

FACING MISCARRIAGE: PART ONE: Why tell our story?

I wrote this series of posts a couple of months ago. Now things are settled we want to share them, as an encouragement to others who may face similar experiences.

Life is journey, so they say. We often look back at our journey, with context and hindsight from what has happened. We analyse our experiences in the light of history.

I think the danger of waiting until time and future events vindicate and elucidate an experience is that sometimes you can get a more and more detached view.

The seminar on “singleness” at the conference is led by a man married for 35 years.

A father of 4.

A grandfather of 6.

Sure, they have insight, yes they have experience, of course their walk with God and discipleship has born fruit and they are worth listening to. But what it actually feels like, that empathy, the ability to actually reach out and touch what it feels like for someone in that situation, seems a bit distant. A lot of water has passed under the bridge, and it loses its rawness.

The book on Church planting is written by the pastor with a Church of 10,000 and massive international ministry. Of course it is a good story and God has used them and that is great but what if my Church doesn’t break the 10,000 barrier? What if it is more like 10, and one of them is me and I want to leave? Who writes that story? Who publishes that book?

Who sits there in the dark days, without growth and success and people and profile to make them worth listening to and just spills their guts about who they are and how they met with God in the darkness? I know some have, and this another attempt.

This is for people who don’t have it altogether. For those walking a stage in their journey which is difficult and who are clinging onto God by their finger nails. You see, we are not through it yet. I cannot point you to 25 years of post event happiness and an international ministry that proves I dealt with it well.

We are still in the darkness. That is why I want to share this now.

So it is here, in the evening gloom, bruised but not broken, hurting yet hoping, that we reach out for God.

5 things I love about Baptists

I was challenged with tongue firmly in cheek by a local Baptist minister why my series had yet to include them. With much hilarity and banter it was agreed that I would "do my best" to see if I could come up with something.

BAPTISM
I do think that Baptism matters. In that sense I am a baptist. Were I looking at labelling myself correctly I don't think I would be all that comfortable with the term "reformed charismatic" because of some of the implications of it. I would be more comfortable to be known as a "Charismatic baptist", because that is probably closer to my experiences, friendships and aspirations. In a culture where infant baptism has through many generations caused complete confusion I think that Baptists have got a whopping thing right.

MISSION
Go anywhere in the world and look for the missionaries. Almost always there will be some Americans, and they will be Baptists. And these days, maybe some pentecostal Koreans will be working alongside them. William Carey and (in some way) the Baptist Mission Society forged a way countless thousands have followed.

HEROES
Looking through a list of eminent Baptists is a bit like looking through a "Who is who" of evangelical heroes of the faith. Spurgeon alone would this point valid, as would William Carey. Chuck in Billy Graham and you've nailed preaching, evangelism and missions in just three men of God. Looking around people like Oswald Chambers, and several eminent US politicians all feature. These days Piper and MacArthur stand at the top table of people worth reading and listening to.

GOSPEL
In some denominations I see a bit of confusion. What is preached as "Gospel" changes church to church, minister to minister. Some of what is presented as Gospel really does not bear much resemblance to the "good news" as I know it. I know if you move to a place and you find a Baptist Church, along with all sorts of quirks and differences that any Church has you will certainly hear the gospel.

HOLDING FIRM
Of all the denominations I think the Baptists have done pretty well at holding firm to what they believe and not moving ground with the pervading mood of culture. I look at some churches and what you now see now is so utterly different from what it was, and yet what a Baptist is compared to what a Baptist was does not seem a dramatic journey. "Traditional Baptist" can have a whole load of negative connotations and yet I imagine some of those Churches will remain active in generations to come where newer models and movements have disappeared altogether.

All in all, being a British non conformist I was always going to identify strongly to the Bapstist Church, which is a bit odd really as I have never been a part of one.

5 things I love about Rob Bell

Rob Bell is an anathema to some Conservative evangelicals and yet a hero to many Christians in the UK. Here are some of the positives I can see.

1) COOL
Everything from his DVDs to his book covers to his glasses screams "Cool". It is not often you get a Christian speaker / preacher / writer who looks like they just stepped out of an art workshop in some trendy corner of London. I don't think "cool" always means good, but we definitely need less "uncool" in the way some things are presented.

2) ENGAGEMENT
Rob is a fantastic writer. His books are real "page turners". Even if you don't agree with a considerable amount of it, you can't help enjoy reading it. He is a great speaker. His speaking tours sell out and his DVDs shift by the tens of thousands. "Everything is spiritual" is worth an hour of anyone's time, if only to marvel at that amount of knowledge being divested from one brain in an hour while still be interesting!

3) DOUBT
His Church have "Doubt nights" where you can go an ask questions. I like that. Sometimes evangelicals have everything wrapped up in a way that means if you still have a question hanging over you feel second class. Or in a pastoral setting a tightly packed theological proposition regarding the circumstances you face sounds very hollow and doesn't empathise with the fact it just hurts. I think we could learn something by allowing the defence of truth also recognise and edify the doubts that the Truth came to overcome. The Alpha Course has this in its DNA, but I wonder if some of our other settings could benefit from an approach that allows some answers to not yet be found.

4) CHURCH BUILDING
If people like Tim Keller or Mark Driscoll get some limelight because of their ability to grow larger Churches then 10,000 people on a Sunday and 50,000 downloads a week also suggests there is something about Rob Bell that is scratching where people are itching. I think this presents something to learn from those who appreciate his style and also presents a challenge to those who dislike it. Bums on seats don't vindicate a ministry and I would struggle to find 5 things I love about Joel Osteen, pastor of the largest Church in America. That said it does prove that Rob's ministry and style resonates with a wide array of people which is something we can learn from. His ministry is reaching certain people in a way ours is not and that leaves us with questions and a bit of soul searching as to why.

5) MEDIA
Downloads & DVDs are the main way I know most people have been introduced to Rob Bell. Even his best selling books come second. I often see people exchanging Nooma DVDs, or when something happens or the face a difficulty then something in a Nooma DVD comes back as an encouragement.

Our young people faced a very real tragedy 18 months ago. 20 years ago they may have read a poster with the poem "Footprints on". Instead they watched this.


I would not agree with plenty of things he says, but I can see plenty of fruit from his ministry, plenty of challenge to take on board and actually wonder if some of the criticism of him is "guilt by association" with other elements of the emerging Church rather than what he has actually said.

5 things I love about Steve Chalke

Just a spot of housekeeping before I start this one to frame what I am saying.

I don't agree with him on the subject of penal substitutionary atonement. Not only do I disagree with what he thinks, I also regret deeply the manner in which he expressed it in his book "The Lost Message of Jesus".

That said, I do agree with him on other ways of viewing the atonement, which have a clear biblical basis and pastoral validity.

When all else is stripped away we both believe that Jesus "died for our sins".

We are brothers who will enjoy eternity together.

With that housekeeping done here are 5 things I love about his ministry.

1) ACTIVISM
Steve Chalke is an activist who has managed to fit in a bewildering array of activity! Some Christians can be accused of naval gazing. Others of having a "small God" mentality. Still others are risk averse. Steve has channelled righteous anger into activity, and has reached for the stars for the sake of his Lord. As I have said before, if some of his critics had a tenth of his track record the criticism would sound less hollow. I think James (faith without works is dead) would love him.

2) KINGDOM
The "Kingdom" of God is a bigger than us. The extension of the Kingdom reaches beyond our ecclesiastical wineskins and touches all from the rulers and leaders to the oppressed and needy. Steve's ministry with Schools, Stop the Traffik, and all that has been in between takes a wide definition of the Kingdom of God and seeks to bring it about. His focus is not about bums on seats on a Sunday or other things that can deflect a pastor from seeking after the Kingdom of God. No, it is bigger than that, and has led him everywhere from the sofa of GMTV to the negotiating table at the UN.

3) CULTURE
Before Keller et al made "changing culture" a cool thing to get passionate about Steve Chalke was campaigning, organising and launching all manner of initiatives. The gospel, and the works of the those who bear the gospel should be good news to people. Those people may be in bondage to people traffickers or Aids victims in Bombay or living in a shanty town in Rio or prostitutes in Peckham. We have political freedom which we can use. We can affect the arts and media. We can challenge politicians. We can shape education. We can work together and showpiece all the ways the Church is blessing its local community. Well when I say "We", Steve seems to have.

4) VISION
People I know who have worked for Oasis Trust, or volunteered with Oasis trust, know for certain the value of what they are doing. Steve has an ability to impart vision and get people moving with him in an extraordinary way. It is not a personality cult: because it is not just about him. It is about the kingdom, and action, to shape culture.

5) THE NATIONS
I know loads of people who have been abroad with Oasis Trust. For my age group it was a real badge of honour: part of your Christian upbringing. 6 months in Zimbabwe, 12 months in Brazil, forget Thailand or picking fruit in Australia, there is a world out there that needs the love of Jesus being shared with them and your time matters.

All in all, there is much to love and honour about Steve's ministry. "Stop the Traffik" may yet mean his legacy within the UK Church scene is similar to that of Wilberforce or Shaftesbury. Can we actually change a generation? Can we shake off the yoke of oppression? Can we mould the view of society from lack of understanding to visible opposition to human exploitation?

Let's hope so.

5 things I love about the Vineyard

I spent three years in Vineyard Churches in both Birmingham and Nottingham as a student. Naturally I will always have a soft spot for them.

1) WORSHIP
For several years it felt like Charismatic worship was either Kendrick or Vineyard. It is not overstating it to say that the Vineyard movement had (and in some ways still has) a huge impact on much of what we know as modern worship. It is part of their legacy to the whole Church that needs to be really honoured.

2) JOHN WIMBER
You cannot go far in the UK Church before you bump into someone who was deeply affected by the ministry of John Wimber. If you look at massive success stories like Holy Trinity Brompton or St Andrew's Chorley Wood somewhere along the line a bearded preacher from California with a desire to experience the power of the Holy Spirit had influenced them. You can see hallmarks of his ministry right the way across the Charismatic wing of the Church in all denominations.

3) CARING FOR THE POOR
Every Vineyard Church I know have mercy ministries right at their heart. Trent Vineyard in Nottingham has grown from a small group to a Church of over 1500 in 15 years, and right the way through they have been loving people Jesus loves, through ministry to the poor. What a fantastic witness The Arches is. I think that makes God smile.

4) CREATIVITY
I like their risk taking. I like the way creativity is encouraged. I like the way arty types can express themselves. The boxes of what evangelical worship and interaction looks like have smoother walls in the Vineyard.

5) RELAX
I like going to Vineyard Churches. The atmosphere is relaxed. You get american style "Donuts and Coffee". You don't feel judged. Somewhere in the value system of the movement is a desire to chill out and enjoy God. That sparks something in me. A busy meeting can involve resting in God. I like that. Spiritual gifts happen but nothing is forced. It is all quite calm, quite reflective. If I ever burn out and need a place to relax and get myself together and be with God I would probably look for a Vineyard.

As an aside, and cheekily hiding number 6 in a footnote: their conferences tend to be brilliant, and at times have been very important for me.

All in all, the Vineyard have an important legacy, and a key role to play in the future of the "New Church" scene in the UK. Beyond their boundaries the blessing they have been to the Church is far bigger than they are as a movement, including their involvement with stuff like New Wine.

Sharing the love...

Late last year I did a series on what I love about other elements of the Church in the UK.

You can find the posts here:

5 things I love about Anglicans

5 things I love about Methodists

5 things I love about Spring Harvest

5 things I love about Holy Trinity Brompton

5 things I love about the Para Church

I had quite a positive response, including comments from two people involved in the running of Spring Harvest. The intention was to encourage, so I am delighted that it did. The post on methodism sparked a few Methodists to consider the same question, like Micky, Richard and Dave. Although with tongue firmly in cheek I am still waiting for Dave's "5 things I love about Newfrontiers" post!

Anyhow: time for a new series, over the next few days I will consider what I love about other parts of the UK Church scene and maybe even venture overseas. Some of it will be fairly obvious and some of it will be building a bridge of grace.

Jonathan Aitken, Politics, Prison, Peace

Over 400 people attended Theatre Severn last night for an excellent talk by Jonathan Aitken where he told his story of going to prison and how his journey to faith has helped him get his life back on track.

He was witty, sincere, honest, humble and clear.


This was the biggest inter-church outreach event in the town that I can remember for a good length of time.

Supplementing it we have produced and are in the process of delivering 10,000 flyers across the town inviting people to Alpha Courses that start in the next fortnight.


So here we are: Anglican, Baptist, Newfrontiers and Apostolic Churches standing together and offering the good news to our town.

It is a good place to be, but is only the very start of an adventure of what we can achieve together.

And we are off...

Welcome to a new term. What a week ahead.

This week: up to 10,000 joint Church Alpha flyers going out across the town

Thursday morning, 2,000 invites to Alpha / Harvest Service / Just 10 teaching series / Frontedge service going out to local homes

Thursday evening: over 400 people coming to the new theatre in Shrewsbury for the visit of Jonathan Aitken

Sunday: Harvest services, guest services with lots of invites going out

So how did we prepare? Quite simple. Like we always do. at 6.30am this morning. For an hour.

We prayed.

Jesus Culture

For a while now I have been listening to some outstanding worship CDs from Jesus Culture.

One of their songs has been a great comfort to me during a tough time.

Low and behold they are appearing up the road in Wolverhampton next month, suffice to say, we are going, along with a fair sized posse of people.

And yet, I am a bit nervous. "Big American Church / Ministry tours UK" presses all sorts of buttons.

Firstly: I want it to spend an amazing time in God's presence, as I have when listening to the CDs and worshipping quietly, and don't want to be disappointed. I literally have been overcome with emotion while watching the DVD that came with one of the albums, during the Revelation song, the spontaneous worship that comes from it, it was extraordinary.

Secondly: I don't want the teaching side of it to be poor. Visits to some events/churches in the past have always been let down by the teaching, not least a tendency towards the prosperity gospel.

Thirdly: Linked to the teaching, I don't want to be asked for money, or be asked to "sow into a revival", or to "lay up my treasures in heaven" or anything like that. I am there to worship God, not join a band of "covenant partners" who get mailshots and gift aid forms.

Fourthly: I want any prayer for healing or desire for miracles to be done in a way that empowers and encourages those gathered. I don't want to feel it is over-hyped, and I want the stories / testimonies to sound really robust and clear.

So I have to sit tight and wait and see. I would recommend anyone who can get to one of their tour dates to do so. Their worship opens up a whole raft of sponteneity and spiritual gifts and brings such a freshness to some really old songs.

If their CD is anything to go by, this could actually be a life changer.

That is a bold statement and hope like that is reckless and yet shows an underlying expectation I have, an underlying desire, for more of God. I have glimpsed something through their worship that I want some of. My faith is not in some band or youth meeting or "generation of revivalists" or whatever they choose to call themselves.

My faith is in God. My heart is for God. And there is something about what happens when they worship that I want to experience and I want to let shape me and change the way I worship God.

The big challenge is opening myself up to let that happen requires me to take off some of my defensiveness about other ministries / moves of God / tours I have experienced which I have found disappointing, oddball, or in some cases downright dangerous.

Yes, I will be reporting my experiences!

Jonathan Aitken comes to Shrewsbury

I am really excited.

A few Churches here have grouped together to underwrite an initiative at our new theatre.

Jonathan Aitken is coming to share his story.

For some of us it is a big event before our Alpha Course starts.

For others it is an opportunity to host a social event and bring friends to.

For still others it is an interesting foretaste of what we can achieve when we work together.

The following morning he is going into the prison (now a category C prison) to share his story with the men there.

For me personally it is a bit nerve wracking as I am heavily involved in making it happen.

All in all, a very exciting project to be part of!

A new football season...

Tomorrow is the first time I have been able to make a game this season, due to a wedding and our midweek small group.

That means I missed Shrewsbury come from 1-0 down to beat Bradford 3-1 and then come from 3-0 down to beat Charlton 4-3!

We're going up to Macclesfield in the hope that our run of form continues, as a decent result could see us topping the table by 5pm on Saturday.

I find it interesting how short a players stint at a given club is these days. The local paper recently did a table for the most appearances in the last 10 years and about 110, which would mean 3 seasons, got players onto the list.

Only 2 players from the last 5 years were on the list, as we seem to change almost everyone every summer now.

For the Bradford game our starting line up had 8 new signings in, hence the first team is barely recognisable from one season to the next.

If a player is poor, then fair enough they need to be shipped out, but it becomes difficult to have any kind of affinity with your players if you know how quickly it will change. Likewise you do wonder how a group of players can really gel with so many changes.

In the last 10 years we have had 6 managers: that makes it difficult to build for the future.

It is interesting how consistency and playing together reaps rewards beyond individual capability too: as Spain realised with so many Barcelona players who knew each other's game inside out.

Sometimes change can happen just too fast. Sometimes you have to stay to reach a higher level of performance that only comes through time. I remember reading a study that said the biggest growth in Churches came when they had been led by the same person for over 5 years. Maybe Churches and football clubs have a bit in common after all!

Peace

A week in the Lake District.

No email.

No internet.

Minor mobile phone use: (mostly to try and locate my wife!)

Peace.

Peace in the hills.

Peace on the Lake. (Not walking!, rowing)

Sometimes holidays can be a great adventure. Sometimes I just like to chill. This was a la carte chilling, carefully woven, delicate, and real nourishment for the soul.

The Welsh 3000s Part Five

As you may know by now, we completed this tough challenge in 19 hours, 55 minutes.

Good job my kit was up to it!

It was great to be part of a good team and we were reliant on excellent support.

Time for a bit of vulnerability from me. The truth is that things have been tough over the last few weeks because we lost a pregnancy. It has been a very dark time for Esther and I. I may well blog more about it in the future but we are just concentrating on getting through it for now.

I had been training since January 1^st for this challenge. I had been training hard, doing a 9.5 mile circuit in South Shropshire fairly often. Five a side football on Mondays, circuit training on Tuesdays or Thursdays or both, then off to the hills at the weekend. When time allowed we had a couple of trips to Snowdonia just to acclimatise.

I was also supposed to do the “Three Peak” challenge, the highest peaks in Wales, England and Scotland in 24 hours. That was 3 weeks before the Bread challenge and would give me a good indicator as to how I was doing.

That was the day we had to go to hospital to undergo “medical management” to help sort out the failed pregnancy. It was a grim day. There is nothing that prepares you for that. You want it to be “over” in one sense and yet you never want it to end. You want another scan, the one that says all the others were a mistake and a little heart is beating.

So I had issues in my head. The opportunity to do a big challenge I had been training for six months to do had been taken away by the worst possible reason. It was dire. Of course the mountains did not matter compared to our family, but it all mushed up inside my head.

Fast forward 3 weeks and the Bread challenge is upon me, I have unfinished business. Unfinished business with my own heart. Unfinished business with the mountains. And if I am honest unfinished business with God.

An email came around the week before from Neal saying “It is a good idea to name each peak after a friend or loved one to help count them down and add significance”. Great idea!

I named one peak.

Number 15. Foel Fras.

Baby.

Our epic adventure started at 3.15am with the alarm clock, and by 3.55am we were walking in horrendous weather up Crib Goch, an exposed ridge on the ascent of Snowdon which was the first peak of the challenge. The weather was simply horrendous. The peaks slowly started to tick by. In the rain and the mist and the friendship and the teamwork I could only really think of baby. The hours went by, peak 7, peak 8, getting ever closer.

So it was that sometime in the evening in the mist of the Carneddau range a tired and wet Dave approached the summit of Foel Fras, the fifteenth peak with my jubilant team. We were all delighted. High fives and photos finished, a moment of silence. We had done it.

I held the summit cairn in both hands, the wet rock gleaming in the light of my head torch. This was the moment.

“Lord, I give my baby to you. I release them into your care. I want to say that I love you. I will follow you. And I ask you to help me to continue to live for you”

I did not get closure.

I did not want closure.

I got peace.

Closure is an end. Closure is a door slammed shut. Closure is the finish of a journey. I did not want that.

This is the start of our journey, not the end. I have started my journey of fatherhood, it is just for whatever reason I don't have the priviledge of bringing this one up.

So I didn't want closure, I wanted peace.

I wanted a peace that says yes this is wrong, yes this is not what it was meant to be, yes this hurts like hell and no there is not an answer, except in the loving arms of a loving God who draws all things to himself through His son Jesus.

In rain like that you do not have to hide your tears.

As we trudged on in the endless descent down to the minibus and support waiting to pick us up I knew something had changed. Something deep inside. The part of me that died when baby died. The bit of me that could not go on my great adventure because we had to go to hospital instead. The bit of me that still hopes for the future day when I can walk hand in hand with my child to the football ground is at peace.

Peace with God, and maybe even at peace with myself. He is loving. He is strong. Baby is in His care, and so are we.

The Welsh 3000s Part 4

We completed this tough challenge in 19 hours, 55 minutes.

Good job my kit was up to it!

It was great to be part of a good team.

Next up in terms of important things was our "support"

Firstly: the Pen Y Pass youth hostel had been booked early so we had the best place in Snowdonia to start from, result.

Once returning from Snodown to Nant Peris we entered a hive of activity. Fresh water, a gazebo, a stove, hot drinks, sausage and bacon rolls, clothes lines for wet kit, plasters, encouragement, all there.

Off we trooped onto the Glyders and then having returned to down to Llyn Ogwen, there they were, minibus, gazebo, hot drinks, fresh water, pasta meal, goodie bags with flapjacks and fruit, bananas, another hot drink, encouragement.

Off we trudged, up the Carneddau.

Imagine my surprise, at 11.55pm that evening, to catch a glimpse of the minibus in the distance, and next to it, the gazebo, it can't be can it? A fresh mug of tea thrust into my hand, awesome!

Two first aiders went to help out one guy who had hurt himself slightly. My headtorch failed in the wet and the support team lent me one. Whatever you needed, if they could fix it they did. And they could see the weather, so they could look you in the eye and tell you that you were doing brilliantly.

All in all, I know you can do this challenge in one straight walk or with just a couple of cars at each point but I found having people around, knowing there was a plan B, and a mug of Tea, gave the whole thing a much more friendly face and meant that we felt much less isolated.

You can just take your kit and disappear off into the mist and crack on if that floats your boat, but having a skilled, available, well organised support team increases your chances to completing it vastly.

The Welsh 3000s Part 3

We completed this tough challenge in 19 hours, 55 minutes.

Good job my kit was up to it!

The next key thing for me was straightforward, teamwork.

Now being in a newfrontiers Church means I rarely have anything to do with anything that does not involve either being part of a team, or helping encourage a team, or receiving input from a team. So it did not come as too much of a shock that our overall group of 14 was split into 3 teams. To my surprise I found myself in a group that was expected to both complete the challenge and do it the fastest. In the end we did so, ahead by about an hour, but it was a surprise for me to be placed there.


I was put in a group with Cameron (bright green jacket), a local senior fire officer. In the woolly hat, Keith, a worship leader in our Church and a manager in a plastics firm. On the left Neal (Waggy), an IT consultant and in the orange on the right, our esteemed team leader Steve, local teacher and fell running champion.

The weather was grim, but you know what, it was fun. A genuinely fun 20 hours. Plenty of banter. Lots of laughter. A bit of shared lamenting at the sheer relentlessness of the rain. There was help for one another, plasters to go on feet, shared kit, borrowed tops, socks, towels, whatever you needed to get through someone had something in the bottom of a pack somewhere to help make it happen. Food shared out, "Anyone want any Jelly babies" started a scramble!

I cannot use a compass. I am ok with maps in decent visibility. There was no visibility, I needed Steve. That said on the way up Tryfan I knew exactly where the path we needed was because I had climbed it 4 weeks before so I could help lead the way.

There was a lad we met on the way up who was doing the challenge on his own. He had camped up at the top and so was 1-2 hours ahead of us starting. By about 6pm we found him in one of the summit shelters on the Carneddau. His GPS had failed and he was a bit stuck, so he had waited for one of our teams to catch him up. Room for one more in the team? You bet!

I watch stuff like "band of brothers" and wonder what it must have been like to have that level of reliance and shared intense experience with others. In doing this challenge I had just a small glimpse of what it might be like. It also reminded me of what Sid the Sloth says in Ice Age Two, "We are the weirdest herd I have ever seen". Different personalities, different skills, different levels of fitness, all bringing what they had to the table to make it happen. Steve could have done it in half the time, on his own. But he didn't, and that is why I was able to complete it too. There has to be something worth learning from that.